Creative son isn't meant to fit into a Mold

DEAR DR. BROTHERS: I am the mother of a very creative young boy. While I always have tried to keep him in the mainstream with activities that his siblings and other kids his age enjoy, it seems the older he gets, the more he wants to do unusual things. I don't want him to be seen as strange or out of the ordinary, because I know that could cost him social success. He would rather take ballet and paint than go to soccer practice or trade baseball cards with the other boys. What should I do? -- T.B.

DEAR T.B.: Your son sounds very talented and creative, and that's sometimes the kind of child who just doesn't seem to fit in. He might be way ahead of the other kids at school in art class, so he wastes time and doesn't produce anything special. On the playground, he may not like the rough and tumble of the sports for boys, but is drawn to the fluid and graceful use of his body. But very few want their son to take ballet instead of play football. So the creative child can end up frustrated and be forced to fit into a round hole when he's really a square peg.

It sounds as though you would like your son to be happy, but you also are invested in having him "fit the Mold" and are afraid that if he figuratively draws outside the lines, he will end up unhappy. Unfortunately, you won't be able to protect him from the reactions of those around him, but you can listen, be flexible and know your child. It is your job to let him be who he is and help him have the flexibility to find out just where his talents lie. The creative child does walk to a different drummer -- but if not stifled, he will be driven to express himself and will find those other young souls with whom he can identify and share his creativity. I'm asking you to take this all on faith -- but believe me, if you succeed only in making your child "ordinary," I think you both will regret it as the years go by. Take a deep breath and open your mind!

DEAR DR. BROTHERS: My mother is in her late 70s, and is still recovering from the loss of my dad about a year ago. She seems to be doing OK and I've spent a lot of time with her, trying to figure out the next step. She needs to tell me what she wants to do about living arrangements, but she keeps veering off into reminiscing every time we talk. I haven't been able to get anything definite out of her. Is she deliberately not moving on, or is she confused or what do you think? -- C.G.

DEAR C.G.: It sounds as though your mother and you are loving family members working your way through a difficult period. It is excellent that you have been spending a lot of time with her, and that up until now you have been letting her go at her own pace. But it sounds as though you are getting a little impatient with her reminiscences, and wish she would begin to make the hard decisions that will guide her future. While this impatience on your part is understandable, it would be helpful if you could back off and let your mother continue at her own pace. He memories -- or ruminations -- are all a part of her mourning, and a way in which to start telling her life story -- to herself as much as to anyone else. She is moving to a new stage in her life -- widowhood and old age -- and the transition may take some time. Putting more pressure on her probably will not speed up the process and may upset her. Things will start to coalesce.

What you can do is take on a little bit more of a role that includes leadership on your part. It is very difficult, sometimes, to switch from being the dependent, subordinate daughter to the person who is now somewhat in charge of an aging parent's future. Psychologically, you may be having just as hard a time stepping up to this challenge as your mother is relinquishing her old role. So don't be afraid to start offering loving guidance.